By Rachel Sauer
Special to The Daily Sentinel
The 2020 Summer Olympics began Friday, and already I have read no fewer than 27 think pieces about Why We Shouldn’t Love the Olympics This Year but Darn It, They’re Irresistible and Here’s an Anecdote About the Writer Being Bad at Sports.
Listen, I think we can all agree that 2021, on the weirdness scale, is a solid 11 (and I think we can all agree that 2020 transcended that scale entirely and vaulted onto a separate scale in which measurements are in whale sounds, say, or the dead language Akkadian).
I mean, just the fact that we’re celebrating the 2020 Summer Olympics today and it is — *double-checks calendar* — 2021 starts these games off on a very strange foot, to say nothing of the crowd-less venues and overarching public health concerns.
But darn it, they’re irresistible. There are so many reasons I could cite for loving the Olympics, but I’ll start with just one: the opportunity to pretend I know and/or care about sports with which I have zero familiarity.
Come the Olympics, I suddenly have something to say about the modern pentathlon.
Me: Say! Did you know that “according to a 19th-century story, a young French cavalry officer was sent on horseback to deliver a message. To complete his mission, he had to ride, fight with a sword, shoot, swim and run. These are the five disciplines that face competitors in modern pentathlon — all in a single day”? Wouldn’t you agree this begs several questions, like what happened to his horse that he ended up running and swimming? And did he run out of ammo and that’s why he ended up sword fighting? Who was he fighting? And did he swim with the sword at his waist, which would significantly limit his stroke choices, and in full cavalry regalia? And good grief, what was this message?? And don’t you think we should live our lives like we’re in the 19th century French cavalry?
My audience: So, you’re often besieged by highwaymen on the way to Walgreens and required to fight with a sword, are you?
And assuming I can catch a glimpse of modern pentathlon Olympic competition, which I believe airs on ESPN The Ocho at 3 a.m., I struggle to find knowledgeable things to say.
Me: Are those dueling pistols? Are they dueling? If not, who do I petition to make dueling an Olympic sport?
And also: Those shorts he’s wearing are very short. I’d like to learn more about their anti-chafing product choices.
I have nothing but respect for the athletes who dedicate years to the physical and mental mastery of their sports, who really do represent some of the highest ideals of what the human body can do, of its potential for power and artistry. But since I myself have not dedicated my life to BMX freestyle or taekwondo, I can’t be expected to care about it more than once every four years.
However, Katie bar the door come my quadrennial passion for these and other Olympic sports.
Me (watching a shot putter put the shot farther than I ever could even if I had use of a cannon): I’m just worried because I feel like she’s slightly under-rotating and yet has too much torque in her waist. I fear that’s going to cost her at least three centimeters.
My audience: You worry in metric now?
Me (watching table tennis players hit the ball so fast that I can’t even see it): I just really think that China has something to prove in senior men’s doubles pairs, because South Korean powerhouses Lee Sangsu and Jeoung Youngsik are so many points ahead of Lin Gaoyuan and Liang Jingkun in the rankings.
My audience: Didn’t your third-grade students in China routinely kick your butt at table tennis when you played with them during recess? And weren’t you legitimately trying and not just letting them win?
Me (for some reason watching rhythmic gymnastics): Do these women even have spines?!? HOW DO THEY BEND LIKE THAT??
My audience: Preach.
So, I will be glued to the TV for the next two weeks, is my point, similar to the World Cup when I act like I know anything/care about international-level soccer.
And I will be free with my opinions!
Me (watching water polo): That dude just treaded water for like 37 minutes. I’d lose my will to live at minute 12.
Me (watching rugby): Did she just yank that other player’s ear off?
Me (watching trampoline): I should get a trampoline.