By Rachel Sauer
Special to The Daily Sentinel
If there’s one thing I enjoy more on Halloween than pedantically lecturing anyone who will listen that “Actually, Frankenstein is the doctor, not the monster,” it’s under-performing on costumes.
Ever since I’ve been in charge of my own costumes, I have consistently done a lazy, half-hearted job on them. It’s truly underwhelming.
And it’s not that I’m anti-Halloween! I love Halloween! Any opportunity to gobble entire bags (yes, bags plural) of miniature Take 5 bars in a relatively short amount of time is A-OK in my book.
Plus, I’m enjoying how with each passing year a growing number of neighbors devise increasingly unhinged Halloween displays in their yards. It’s disturbing! I would not be surprised to learn, if not now then somewhere down the road, that grave robbing is involved.
I extend my admiration to clever and elaborate costumes. Right now, Pinterest – which doesn’t get me in the way that Netflix doesn’t get me, with these off-brand suggestions – is sending me unasked-for emails with all kinds of costume suggestions. Timely costumes! Topical costumes! Sexy costumes! Funny costumes!
I look at all of them, of course, but always end up thinking some version of “Yes, but where would I even get that much PVC pipe and a Supreme Court justice robe at this hour?”
I’m sorry to say that indolence and sloth usually win the day, and I end up pinning a sign that says “Nudist on strike” to my shirt.
But this year is different! This year I’m thinking maybe I should Make an Effort ™! And sure, I’m not technically invited to any Halloween parties, and Halloween is on a Monday, among the more drab of our workdays, but maybe it’s time to be one of those fun people who dress up to hand out candy. I always loved those people!
What costume to wear, though?
I turned to the internet for suggestions, always a terrible mistake, and the first listicle I encountered proposed timely costumes that are related to current events or, you know, zeitgeist-y things. Among the costume ideas this list put forth was “climate change.”
Not to belittle the defining issue of our times, but…
Me (dressed head-to-toe in blue, face and hair painted blue): Happy Halloween, young trick-or-treaters on my doorstep!
Young trick-or-treaters on my doorstep: What are you supposed to be?
Me: Our rising seas.
YToToMD:
Me: Your future.
YToToMD: No amount of mini Snickers is worth this.
This list also suggested a costume they called “cancel culture.” Which, why? And how?
So, that was a waste of my time.
A different 750 words of seasonal tragedy advised drawing costume inspiration from the everyday items of my life. Soooo… the cookie I just ate? The couch where I spend a not insignificant amount of time? The scratching post I bought my cats yesterday that apparently was saturated in catnip, unbeknownst to me, because they were hilariously stoned all evening? My hilariously stoned cats?
Me (in orange cat ears, flailing like each limb is controlled by a different life form, and not necessarily a land-based one): Happy Halloween! Who’s down for a mini Almond Joy?
YToToMD: Should we call a doctor?
Me (swinging my legs clear behind my head and eating a feather): Naw! I’m my cat! See? That stoned one over there.
YToToMD: The gray one who’s barfing?
Me (furiously licking a bald spot on my forearm): The other one.
Yet another internet list suggested keeping my costume simple and focusing on one-word expressions of human experience: Joy. Terror. Befuddlement. (They didn’t actually suggest befuddlement, but that’s what I was feeling.)
Me (face frozen in a rictus reminiscent of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream”): Happy Halloween, my young neighbors!
YToToMD:
Me (struggling to speak on account of the aforementioned rictus): I’m existential dread!
Parents of YToToMD: Come on. Come on, kids. Don’t make eye contact. Hurry!
I’m short on ideas, is the point. But I have to think of something, because I also don’t want to be the lame-o who wears regular clothes and claims to be dressed up as a certified public accountant, or whatever. This is the person who isn’t even trying, and where’s the fun in that?
So, I’m open to any and all ideas as long as I don’t have to do a crazy amount of face painting, or wear something restrictive, or spend a bunch of money, or spend any money if I’m being honest, or come up with an unlikely amount of PVC pipe on short notice, or have to over-explain what I am, or…
Other than that, I’m open!